I went to Hazelden in Minnesota for in-patient treatment a week after my last post. Things had gotten out of hand, to put it mildly. I needed help. I’ve been sober since the day I checked-in, in large part because I finally surrendered to alcohol – I waved the white flag and gave up. I can’t drink. I don’t think going to Hazelden has helped me stay sober. What has helped is the memory of how badly I felt at the end. I never want to go through the physical effects of alcohol addiction ever again. For the last two weeks of my drinking I had to drink around the clock to keep from going through withdrawal, which consisted of tremendous anxiety, sweating, an inability to sleep or even stay still, and constant shaking. I never want to forget how awful it was and how out-of-control I felt. Thank God I didn’t get into a car accident or do anything crazy. I just drank by myself in my room. My only companion was a bottle of Chardonnay, and then another, and then another. Each morning I would wait until the grocery store opened to go buy more wine. I only had the guts to buy one bottle, and I’d throw some doughnuts and other things in my basket hoping I would disguise the lush I had become. That bottle would last until noon, and then I would go out and get two more to last the rest of the day. I kept thinking I would stop – that I just needed one more bottle and then I would stop. Such irrational thinking, but that’s the nature of alcohol addiction.

I’m doing okay now. When I came home from treatment I was kind of in shock. I slept-walked through the days, just trying to re-build my life. I quit my old job before my short-term disability ran out and somehow managed to get hired by a new company doing work I’ve done before and that I’m good at. I slowly made amends to my two teenage children, whom I know were scared and worried about me. What my drinking did to them is my biggest, most painful regret. It all seems so surreal now. As if I have woken up from a long nightmare. I look back at those months from March to July and think: “What the heck was I thinking?” and “Who was that person?” I’m still not completely healed but as the days go by, I’m getting better and better. I feel grateful for getting through such an awful, painful period  and I’m trying to use the experience to live a better life going forward. It’s been a long struggle. I hope the worst is in the past.